You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.