either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law