As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
