You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
