4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
