What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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