be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
