hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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