After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
