im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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