and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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