I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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