Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
