I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
bring money and cleavage
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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