either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You can't motorboat a personality
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
