who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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