i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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