I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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