Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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