she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
