the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
