if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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