What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
