I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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