Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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