If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
