we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize