Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
