also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Swine flu is the new snow day.
worst night to have a conscience
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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