I puked a lego.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
