you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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