I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
