Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
