Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
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I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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