you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
