I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
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...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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