you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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