just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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