I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
