We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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