im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just invented taco cereal.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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