then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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