I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
