I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
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I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Boobs speak an international language.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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