Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
