Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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