I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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