Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
