That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
