Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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