know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
