I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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