So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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