It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
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Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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