I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
