Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
