I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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